Dark moments

Have you ever came across a moment that you thought your depression would get the best of you? Like no matter how much you’ve cried it still wasn’t enough to fill that empty, dark and lonely feeling? I have and it’s hard! 

I’m a mom and stay at home but I still have my daily struggles with lupus and with my bipolar disorder. I’m more of the manic, close off the world when I reach my dark moments in which a lot of people think and presume it’s about them but fail to realize I don’t do it on purpose. When I reach these downward spirals, I don’t specifically know how long they will last or when it will end or how or what will be the results of it all. All I know is that when I do reach these dark moments, I feel like I’m in this quick sand pool and I’m completely stuck, there’s no reaching or pulling myself out so I just sit there and just wait it out or attempt to shake it off. 

I wish I could scream to others and say it’s not you its me! But still people, even the seemingly close ones won’t reach out to even “check” or console me but when they hit their walls I have to put everything I feel aside and make sure they can get threw whatever it is that’s tormenting them in every shape or form and I “check-up” but it’s hurtful when months pass and I don’t even get a hello, are you okay? 

It’s hurtful to think that people know this about me yet still think solely upon themselves. I mean who am I to judge right? But don’t kick someone when they are down, don’t ignore the one friend you know can get to the point that it’s dangerous for them and don’t let them disappear into those dark moments.

I’m more aware that everyone always needs someone to talk to, even if it’s brief. Everyone will always yearn and need a friend in someone at any given time. Most of all, everyone is not perfect and deals with their issues so take the time and reach out to a friend that you haven’t bothered to check up on. 

All it takes is five minutes to make a difference and shine a light in a persons darkest moments. I’m by far not the first person that texts because well I just don’t like to reach out when I hit these moments but I do smile when I do get a text because I know for that brief second I was thought of. 

I’ve been a in a “dark moment” for a few months due to personal stuff. Dealing with my disease and feeling super overwhelmed with always being everyone’s shoulder to cry on and not once did I ever complain or say hey I’m starting to feel depressed. I know that’s what I need to do, to be heard just how I always take the time to listen to everyone but once I’m in, there’s no just pulling out and shaking it off. 

I wish it was that simple to just wake up one morning and say hey, social butterfly Vanessa is back! But honestly as this dark moment has gone on for so long I don’t feel the need to be as sociable because I noticed everything j put out into so many friendships, I was not receiving. Being thoughtful, purchasing presents, going out my way to make others feel better, etc. it got oh so tiring! 

So now that I’m almost over this dark moment I feel like I’m turning a new leaf, seeing a new sky and feeling different in a sense. I just want to be me, just want to be Vanessa and not have to worry about who needs me and who can I help today. Honestly it feels real nice for once to not be in that position anymore. Does that sound bad? 

The dark moment is now gone, I see my rainbow and its beaming a new sense of myself I never knew before. I don’t want anyone to read this and think huh? This is just me, my thoughts and how people can evolve and change after such a long depression and that at the end of the day you need to put yourself FIRST and be there for you and your happiness before others. 

Well, I guess that’s my thought for the day. Stay tuned for the letter E blog tomorrow in this months may a-z challenge with Emily. 

  
                          Emily’s blog  

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