Opening up (sensitive post)

It’s sometimes extremely difficult to sit here and try to blog about things that go on in my household or mind but I know that people are either curious or wonder how I manage it all. Opening up to the world has been such a process from within and I am glad to be able to share a piece of myself and family life.

I want to speak about how every bad experience I turned it into a positive or learning road for myself. Also, all the traumatic things that have gone with myself have helped me know what I need to do as a parent for my four, which is always my main priority.

When I was 7 years old, till I was about 9/10 I was molested and rapped by my half brother. He was removed from the home instantly because he confessed and wanted to not harm me anymore. I’m glad he did that for me. Even though he crushed my childhood and innocense, I’m glad he spoke up because I wouldn’t have because my parents were your typical Spanish, closed door abusive home.

I remember the day my dad questioned me… He brought me some sugar donuts and sat me at the table and I could see he had been crying. From that day on sugar donuts would forever me my favorite because it helped to release the blackness. It gave me comfort when no one else bothered to hug me or be there for me.

My older brother Tony always protected me as best he could. When the monster couldn’t get to me, Tony would be the one to get physically abused because he would fight for me. Tony was and will forever be my guardian angel and even though we are both super emotionally damaged, we will always understand and have a secret bond to one another.

I only remember certain parts of the abuse the monster did to me. (I call him the monster because he isn’t human to me and doesn’t deserve to be called by his name.) I was in an accident that caused a cyst to grow in my head and I had to go get operated and my dad had went with me. My dad ¬†was ALWAYS the one there… I was and will always be daddy’s little girl.

A part of me is glad that I don’t remember all the terrible nights, the scary forcing to go to the “park” lies and the many nights my parents left us all alone in the hands of the monster. I am so glad that the nightmares stopped because it took so many years and it rarely comes back to me now unless I mention it or when I see his photo and suddenly I get angry and feel sick.

I can’t control why others choose to forgive and associate with the monster , I had once tried to communicate with him and see if I could grant him forgiveness and instead it made me bitter and more depressed and wanting to self mutilate again because everything would rush back to me. That’s such a terrible feeling! So no, I don’t communicate at all with him and will not do that again for my safety and my kids safety.

I promised my daughters and my sons They will always be protected. They will know that they can always come to me and tell me anything! I am glad that they do everyday tell me every bit of details of their lives because if they can’t open up and talk to me about everything then that’s when hidding becomes dangerous especially in growing children. I wished I had that relationship where I could tell my parents anything at that age, but now we have such an amazing relationship that I know they finally broke the cycle they had from their own upbringing.

I refuse to let the bad damage me in a way that I can’t function as a normal human being. I know that some days are harde with certain sensitive things that have happened to me but all I do is give my babies a hug and a kiss and ask tell them I love them because I never got that growing up.

Hope this post wasn’t too dark, I really tried to minimize the details and didn’t want to go to that part of my life story. I also hope that you all learn that to always have an open communication with your child and look for signs of withdrawal and secrecy.

Pray for me tonight…

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